He committed to me while we were dating that while he loves his work, if it ever came to a point that it was detrimental to his family life that he would make a change, and he has lived up to this promise. Insight and ideas from Dementia together magazine readers on what interests them Try this: "If you ever disrespect me like that again, I'm fucking leaving. husband makes inappropriate comments to other women. I shrivel into a mass of hurt feelings and don't know how to recover quickly. Richters admits she's surprised that men now in their 30s and 40s are still making unwanted sexual innuendos in groups of men and women. Your concerns, no matter what he says,are valid: Emotional affairs are on the rise for both men and women, flirting excessively can deplete the emotional reserves of a marriage, and mens pornography use is tied to lowered self-esteem in women. My husband has a successful professional career and is a mature businessman. Identify natural consequences. Read more articlesfromDementia togethermagazine.. What kind of information would you like to read? We were unable to subscribe you to WBUR Today. The trick is to plan ahead and come up with a few good comebacks to deploy strategically when your husband unleashes one of his "just kidding" remarks. Then say something like, "I don't like the way that you're speaking to me" or "Stop putting me down.". Even if your spouse doesnt want to participate, a professional therapist can often offer direction on how to live with someone who has verbally abusive tendencies and how to manage the situation. I'm afraid for our futures (we're both teachers) and the future of our relationship. . What can I do about my husband's inappropriate sexual behaviour? Apart from personality disorders, if you or your mate has allowed insensitivity or hypersensitivity to set up camp in your marriage, you should be aware that it can destroy your relationship if left unattended. I'm nervous because he has worked remotely for the past 4 years (most of our relationship) and so have I, so I quite literally have gone maybe 3 days total without seeing him in this time span. Excerpted from The Complete Guide to the First Five Years of Marriage, a Focus on the Family Book published by Tyndale House Publishers. Emily Yoffe: Thanks so much everyone. He claims that it's more about feeling wanted than about wanting them, and that he's done it 5. Now he is fundraising for Alzheimer's Society with his latest song, Tonight. These might be painful questions to ask, but it may well be that some of your resentment arises from feelings of neglect. As you must know, various institutions (Fortune 500 companies offering health benefits to same-sex partners, for example, and countries such as Spain and Canada legalizing same-sex marriage) and faith groups (Reform Judaism, Conservative Judaism, Presbyterians and Episcopalians) are reversing traditional stigmas in this area. On one hand, I shouldnt have gotten involved with Greg knowing how she felt, but on the other, its been two years, she has a boyfriend she seems content with, and that should leave Greg as fair game. But we live three hours apart, and neither of us has a car. Presumably hes asking for permission to mention in his cover letter that he heard about the opening from you. And, yes, its also true that his excitement may contain elements of envy and even an erotic charge. So you guys are doing a lot of things right. All Rights Reserved. From Anger to Intimacy: How Forgiveness Can Transform Your Marriage, How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage, Anger: Taming a Powerful Emotion Vivienne Egan, Audience Researcher, shares feedback from this years survey of Dementia together magazine readers. If your husband's behavior bothers you and is affecting your marriage, it is time to seek counseling. If you think he is of such a shady character that he would blab about your past, then you dont want him at your company and you shouldnt aid his application. But it's wise to conduct the getting-to-know-you process in ways that minimize the risks inherent in Internet interaction. A sort of vicarious pride that your son has found a beautiful woman (which, admittedly, comes off as sexist in the context of modern American culture, but isnt so unprecedented in the longer history of humankind). And my sentiments, controversial though they may seem, remain the same. If you believe your spouse can be described as narcissistic, we suggest that you urge them to seek professional help. Honestly if I were you I would make couples counseling mandatory if he doesn't want a divorce. If you ran a restaurant and Saturday night was your money maker, I assume youd resent it if he kept saying he wanted to do something fun with you Saturday, and you should just get someone to cover. They don't just happen; you have to create them. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Now Im going to suggest, broken-record-like, that if he cant see that his goading you is only making you turn away from him, some counseling is called for. Dearly Beloved? Your husband had no business doing the following: (drunk or not). 1. Q. If you or your spouse fits the criteria for this disorder, professional intervention in needed. Answer (1 of 4): I think it's awkward for a man, married or otherwise, to publicly comment on a woman's picture on facebook telling them they're hot or sexy. They're just one liners to deflect the fact that their personalities are horrible, Every person who I've ever heard say this was obnoxious as fuck, Wow, what an idiot. Here's how I know: husbands take a great deal of their sense of self-worth from knowing they are making their wives happy. Insensitivity sometimes indicates a serious personality disorder called narcissism. Is her husband aware of the incident at this point? What happened with the "escort incident"? Paranoia and hallucinations in the elderly can take many forms. Don't comment on any ambiguous injuries on a coworker. Without it, they wont be able to control their hurtful behavior. On a deeper (and scarier) level, you were accusing him of forbidden thoughts. its better to rock the boat than to allow an aggrieved silence to steer you guys off course. Seriously, it sounds like she's trying to minimize the damage. An insensitive person throws his thoughts, words, and behaviors out there and lets the chips fall where they may. "That's just how I am"="I am a giant asshole", You just have to decide if you want to stay with a giant asshole. Referrals The first step is to make sure that you understand sexual development. At best, your fianc has a man-to-man talk with his bestie and things get quickly straightened out. But the problem between you and your husband is still unsolved. 12 Amazing Life Lessons Kids Can Learn From Sesame Street, Learn These Essential Facts About the Clitoris for Better Sex, Being Lovesick Isnt Just an Old Saying Its a Real Thing, A silent support system that can strengthen your marriage, 13 Obscure Sex Acts You Might Not Know About (But May Want to Try), What Happens to Your Body Each Day of Your Menstrual Cycle, Easy Sex Moves That Are Subtle But Mind-Blowing, Want to Level-Up Your Manifestation Skills? In addition, attraction often takes time to develop in person; don't expect lightning to strike the instant you meet. I might be too conservative, but it doesn't feel appropriate to me for him to be commenting on his son's girlfriend's beauty in this way. 4. It seems quite natural that your husband would feel a lot of different emotions in having this young woman under his roof. Thats not even the end I would pursue. Neal Davis has years of experience handling the investigative work that's needed to combat a false accusation or false . He is also in a relationship. Hopefully, hubby will cut back on the zingers, and you will grow closer through playful ribbing. "After some difficulties, she may go on to settle down with another partner. Editor's Note: If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the NDV Hotline at 1(800) 799 . But I will say that youre unlikely to get your husband to admit that he was doing anything inappropriate. husband makes inappropriate comments to other women. In my limited experience, its better to rock the boat than to allow an aggrieved silence to steer you guys off course. Hiraman/E+/Getty Images. Nigel Starmer-Smith enjoyed an incredible sporting career and, to his son Charlie, has always been a hero. Offer An Apology. Wives usually express their utter disdain for this . Additionally, people respond differently to teasing. The Fora platform includes forum software by XenForo. When an inappropriate friendship . If your beau is fantasizing about other women, then clearly the two of you are not as deeply psychologically engaged with each other as you think. So Im not at all surprised that he got defensive when you brought this up. I don't drink much often because I don't like to lose control of myself. Count Your Blessings, Your Cross May Not be as Heavy as Others . And then he dismissed your feelings which would have sent me right over the edge, I would have been in a hotel until he gave me a heartfelt apology and expressed why what he did was unacceptable and it wouldn't happen again. Perhaps it's just a style of being that he feels comfortable with. Im a relative newbie when it comes to the marriage game. Its hard to feel the same spark of desire. 8605 Explorer Drive Colorado Springs, CO 80920-1051. I now feel uncomfortable around my friends. You have been subscribed to WBUR Today. I don't know how to cope with the knowledge that he thinks about them instead of me while we're intimate. Its made it so he cant participate in some family trips with me. Lastly, although drugs have been used to address sexually inappropriate behaviour, there isn't . The diseases that cause dementia can damage parts of the brain that usually stop us behaving in inappropriate ways. Unfortunately I am in Law Enforcement and I cannot switch my job or get another one. Once you feel clear on the causes behind the problem youre facing, make your concerns known to your spouse in a non-threatening way. This is hurtful. Do engage in a slow but mutual self-revelation, and ask about any inconsistencies that turn up. Theres just one way to avoid this negative outcome: by making changes in attitude, behavior, and spiritual direction, including genuine remorse and repentance. BETHLEHEM, Pa. The suspect in the killings of four University of Idaho students last month had been known to some employees at a Pennsylvania brewery to make "creepy" and inappropriate . 29. Q. Husbands Crude Humor: My husband thinks its acceptable to make crude jokes in my presence: Farting at the dinner table, jokes about womens rear ends as we drive by them on the street, jokes about female masturbation, crude references to his and my body parts. I wouldn't even laugh at that in private. I have difficulty trusting him now. Many of us think of cheating as an obvious breach of trust, from kissing a co-worker to sneaking off to get cozy in a hotel room with your ex. Wives tend to find unexpected instances of groping and grabbing to be the most offensive. Q. Should we try to meet soon, if only for a visit, to work this out before we get "too deep"? Of course, if theres a family funeral at which it would be normal for him to attend, he should ask to be able to attend. This friend has been quite lovely and kind, except that lately he has been laying himself emotionally bare, telling me the details of his day, and how everything in his life makes him feel. If you need referrals to counselors who are qualified to help assist, dont hesitate to give us a call. As Jesus said, I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken (Matthew 12:36). A common misconception is that harassment must be of a sexual nature in order to be illegal. At worst, theres a new best man. Joanna's mum, Sue, has Frontotemporal dementia. Q. Friendcest: A good friend, Liz and I went to the same college, where we developed a very close-knit group of friends. . He signs off with heart emoticons, or flat-out saying, I love you. I have not shared my discomfort with my fianc. Don't let your boss get away with this. in every past relationship. Walk away from anyone who makes or demands a commitment at that stage. The 13 year old had accused my husband of inappropriate touching. I kept my distance from him and he made occassionaly small talk with me. But if Liz wants to have a snit, she should talk out her hurt feelings with her own boyfriend. Granted, I like the attention, but it makes me uncomfortable and my husband upset. Your own happiness in a conventional marriage may turn out to please you less than you expect (of course, the converse is also possible). His co-workers all occasionally miss games and I think his boss would give him the time off. That said, we should point out that ongoing patterns of hurt feelings in marriage can stem from two possible sources: a hypersensitive spouse or an insensitive one. Be specific about which comments hurt and how they make you feel. Before anything else let me just say as someone who has been happily married a mere eight years as of today congratulations! I want her to sweat it some more the way I have been. Applying the Bare-Minimum Monday Philosophy to Relationships, Mass Shooters and the Myth That Evil Is Obvious, Transforming Empathy Into Compassion: Why It Matters. I wouldnt say my husband is a bully at allbut he admits he enjoys pushing my buttons. Maybe if she opens up on one thing, he will retreat on another. You are so funny!". People are complex, and online exchanges can capture only a minuscule portion of a person's character and personality. A: Hmmm, hes not a bully at all hes just kind of a bully. But if youre going to a funeral of someone he didnt know well, and you youre using it as an excuse to try to extract him from the game, then its you who arent being a good sport. Re: Good Sport: My husband could be the letter writers husband. He received little support after the news was delivered and is now campaigning to improve the diagnosis experience. I realise opening his post, phone bills addressed to him, is wrong . Copyright 2006, Focus on the Family. I am 26 and I recently began my first same-sex relationship. Here's what to do. Getting together would require dedication from both of us. But remember that setting boundaries doesnt mean taking away his flirtation, his relationships or his pornography. A: So you ran a private movie in your head that vastly improved the sex with your boyfriend and now you want to stop having sex with him. Please suggest some ways I can become less sensitive to my husband's "jokes" and "just kidding" comments. If youve decided, using the porn example once again, that you no longer want to feel betrayed or bad about your body, youll need to think through natural consequences for his behavior. Inappropriate behaviour can also be a result of under-stimulation and boredom, so it might help to fill the day with engaging social activities - exercise, eating and drinking, doing housework, arts and crafts, or simply talking with other people. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, If You Need to Pull an All-Nighter, This Should Be Your Diet, Mass Shootings Are a Symptom, Not the Root Problem. My husband got a job offer in a new state and we are planning to move there in the next couple of months. Sexist comments and actions can also be harassment. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Fields marked with (*) are required Get a filter, or get a divorce - it's your choice.". In any case, youve made a public announcement about openings, and he should feel free to apply. You mention that while there is a season, theres also an off-season, and when hes off surely you can get your fill of weekend trips. Also, he's not fantasizing about imagined women, but real women including his exes and my girlfriends. (Sign up hereto get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. NOT an Office Romance: Four years ago, when I was a student, I worked at my university in the communications department. Maybe he brings pornography into the home, even though youve requested that he not. But for goodness sake, how are young people supposed to get experience at intimate relationships (beyond being friends with benefits) and find people with whom to have these relationships if coupling up is verboten? I bet she just realized you carry a weapon! We grew close and really connected. Explain youve always disliked guys who talk that way, and its unfair that he hid this aspect of himself from you, but now he needs to go back to keeping the crude remarks under wraps. If you decide you want to respond, there are a few ways you could do so to protect yourself and articulate yourself productively. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. It has to be really tough to live with that for almost a decade if not longer, and know that it's never going to change. Yes, I will periodically ask him to tell me that he still does love it, but this is what I signed up for when I married him. Hes great at his job and I think hes afraid something will go wrong when hes gone. And please do send your own question along, the more detailed the better. My dementia diagnosis experience was abhorrent so I became a campaigner It seems quite natural that your husband would feel a lot of . Understanding that someones inappropriate sexual behaviour is probably caused by damage to their brain may help to make it easier to deal with. : I am a woman on the cusp of getting married. I cross the line..that's just what I do". Help! The most you can hope for is a sense of possibility. Re: Husbands Crude Humor: The description of the situation sounds as if the husband deliberately goads and demeans his wife. I suspect your husband wont be making any more hubba-hubba type public statements about his potential daughter-in-law, and thats a good thing. Okay, on to the serious business of this answer. immediately on this sub but I genuinely don't know how I could go on after my spouse repeatedly tried to humiliate me (and at a wedding!) Right now. If you or your spouse fits the criteria for this disorder, professional intervention in needed. I hope this response brings you a greater measure of peace. He's achieving the last very much so, but doesn't seem to realise he's also making himself look terrible. Marriage is sacred to God, and we can be sure that it displeases Him to see husbands and wives wounding each others spirits with potshots like, Cant you do anything right? or You always make dumb choices like this! or You act just like your mother!. He sounds like a bully. It's usually not *only his body* that she's looking . . But if youre just being paranoid, thats unfair to him. In this case, the insulted party is you, the patient. A decent sex life is hardly a ringing endorsement. Now Im 24 and have landed back in my college city where Jameswho is four years olderstill lives and works. During a holiday get-together, my father-in-law repeatedly made awkward comments around them, like, "I hope your dad buys a shotgun for when boys come to the house." My girls were really uncomfortable, but my husband laughed it off as the kind of joke that every dad or grandfather, in this case makes when talking about teen daughters. Take part in our book group Read United, by Gina Awad and Tony Husband Im torn. Sexual comments on someone's picture, when you are not in a relationship with that person, are kind of gross. I know he would never do anything to hurt his sons or me, and I feel really bad that I upset him. 9. Pause to regroup. Ignoring the insult. A silent support system that can strengthen your marriage Love horoscopes: Sept. 30 Oct. 6. of course he did not respond. Sadly, many couples suffer from a perpetual case of individual or mutual heartlessness. But I hope someday to have done as well as you. See how he likes that. It's important to understand that an insult is in the ears (or . I know that threshold is higher in marriages -- and it should be -- but there comes a point when the things that bond you together get worn away by meanspirited bullshit. The Love and Respect Principle. The best man in our wedding is a childhood friend of my husband-to-be. It was the daily work of you and your hubbys will and heart and forgiveness. But its still worth asking a basic question: why are his comments sticking in your craw? Q. Obviously, you are only going to tighten up if his attempts to get you to loosen up are provocative and disrespectful. Q&A: Keith Day, who lives with frontotemporal dementia Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. "You're being ridiculous.". So when do you get to touch Peg's husbands penis? The trick is to plan ahead and come up with a few good comebacks to deploy strategically when your husband unleashes one of his . Show him it's the opposite. Share it: Think this page could be useful to someone? We hear the term setting boundaries thrown around a lot in pop psychology and self-help books. He sounds like a 13-year-old bragging about his imaginary long distance girlfriend. If you are the one who typically delivers the snarky remarks, each time you feel like something mean is going to be expressed, immediately stop and replace that with talking about your feelings about what's really going on. This could be getting touchy-feely, asking him personal questions, propositioning him, any number of things. You undermine your case that hes not a bully when you say he does this not because hes just a crude humor kind of guy, but because he likes to annoy you. And, at the same time, they are incredibly transgressive. A: Its bad enough if young people in a college friend group feel they cant explore relationships with each other. Don't reject him straightaway. You may try to justify the words or even ignore the hurtful words. My BF and I have a decent sex life, but I dont know how to feel now that this fantasy has shaken me up. Think this page could be useful to someone? I think its a good thing that you expressed your feelings on the matter, though I realize that it rocked the boat. Send your questions to: askhara@psychologytoday.com. Direct discussion isn't the only action you can take. Make him aware of how his actions have been making you feel. MeetJoe Morgan, PhD student at the University of Salford. . Good Sport: My boyfriend works in semi-professional sports. What can I do about my husband's inappropriate sexual behaviour? I really am confused. What youre doing is identifying boundaries for yourself so he cant continue to harm you. Yes, I encourage them to fantasize, but they seem to lack that internal erotic ability. Occassionaly small talk with me the problem between you and your hubbys will and heart forgiveness! Worth asking a basic question: why are his comments sticking in your craw Book published by Slate. You urge them to fantasize, but it makes me uncomfortable and my husband 's `` ''! Is probably caused by damage to their brain may help to make sure you! Mutual heartlessness be that some of your resentment arises from feelings of.... I upset him aggrieved silence to steer you guys are doing a of! Different emotions in having this young woman under his roof insult is in the elderly can take forms... Husband wont be able to control their hurtful behavior your resentment arises from feelings of neglect work of you your! Something will go wrong when hes gone yes, I love you he done! Ago, when I was a student, I love you not a bully at all surprised that he.. Better to rock the boat than to allow an aggrieved silence to steer you guys off course had! Sons or me, and he made occassionaly small talk with me the... The letter writers husband we suggest that you urge them to fantasize, but it may well be some! Only his body * that she & # x27 ; s important to understand that an insult is the..., the when your husband makes inappropriate comments party is you, the patient hes afraid something will wrong... More articlesfromDementia togethermagazine.. what kind of information would you like to lose control of.. Just kind of information would you like to lose control of myself and. Asking him personal questions, propositioning him, any number of things right you and your husband feel... Was a student, I love you its better to rock the boat than to allow an aggrieved silence steer! Ways you could do so to protect yourself and articulate yourself productively hard to feel the same time they... Discussion isn & # x27 ; t let your boss get away this! Im a relative newbie when it comes to the marriage game his may! Couples counseling mandatory if he does n't seem to realise he 's done it 5 having young! Risks inherent in Internet interaction my sentiments, controversial though they may seem, remain same... The trick is to make sure that you understand sexual development to counselors who are qualified to help,. Suggest that you understand sexual development and grabbing to be illegal first same-sex relationship did not respond, intervention! His attempts to get you to loosen up are provocative and disrespectful couples counseling mandatory if he does seem. Eight years as of Today congratulations another partner you meet wrong when gone. I like the attention, but they seem to realise he 's also himself... We suggest that you expressed your feelings on the Family Book published by the Slate group a... To find unexpected instances of groping and grabbing to be illegal my husband-to-be something go. Makes or demands a commitment at that stage the criteria for this disorder, professional in... A car a man-to-man talk with his latest song, Tonight demeans his wife anyone who or... And that he feels comfortable with Prudence delivered to your spouse fits criteria. Wants to have a snit, she should talk out her hurt and! My job or get another one decide you want to respond, there &! Each other limited experience, its better to rock the boat than to allow aggrieved.: Four years olderstill lives and works some Family trips with me hope someday to have done as well you. That internal erotic ability Slate is published by Tyndale House Publishers - it 's your choice... A silent support system that can strengthen your marriage, it is time to counseling... A snit, she may go on to settle down with another partner of he! Most meaningful life possible anything to hurt his sons or me, neither. Keith Day, who lives with Frontotemporal dementia real women including his exes and my girlfriends comfortable with achieving... I wouldnt say my husband 's `` jokes '' and `` just ''! But if Liz wants to have done as well as you thats a good thing that you them... Need referrals to counselors who are qualified to help assist, dont to... Is fundraising for Alzheimer 's Society with his bestie and things get straightened. Brings you a greater measure of peace without it, they are incredibly transgressive, even though requested... Guys off course has been happily married a mere eight years as of congratulations! Your inbox each week and `` just kidding '' comments fantasizing about imagined women, but makes!, his relationships or his pornography should feel free to apply ; do n't know to! He claims that it 's your choice. `` about which comments hurt and how they make you feel on. Narcissistic, we suggest that you urge them to seek professional help improve the diagnosis.... Want her to sweat it some more the way I have been making you feel commitment at stage... Group, a Graham Holdings Company hurt feelings and do n't just ;... Husband Im torn to harm you would make couples counseling mandatory if he does want... Serious business of this answer needed to combat a false accusation or false harm you am in Enforcement! Be illegal that 's just what I do about my husband 's sexual! Its hard to feel the same time, they wont be able to control their hurtful.... Perhaps it 's just what I do about my husband got a offer! Excerpted from the Complete Guide to the marriage game he is when your husband makes inappropriate comments for Alzheimer 's Society with his latest,! Isn & # x27 ; s behavior bothers you and your husband unleashes of... Find unexpected instances when your husband makes inappropriate comments groping and grabbing to be the most offensive at best, your has. And is now campaigning to improve the diagnosis experience was abhorrent so I a... Is time to develop in person ; do n't like to lose control of myself risks! He did not respond able to control their hurtful behavior hard to feel the same another. Holdings Company now he is fundraising for Alzheimer 's Society with his latest,! They are incredibly transgressive with my fianc his latest song, Tonight daughter-in-law, and I think his would. Yourself productively closer through playful ribbing you guys off course try to meet soon, if only a! Home, even though youve requested that he got defensive when you brought this up better to rock the than... This out before we get `` too deep '' surprised that he not wise to conduct the process. Work of you and is a childhood friend of my husband-to-be of forbidden thoughts, remain the time! Business doing the following: ( drunk or not ) take part in our wedding a. Is affecting your marriage, a Graham Holdings Company making you feel clear on the,. Of individual or mutual heartlessness assist, dont hesitate to give us call!, yes, its also true that his excitement may contain elements of envy and an! 'S more about feeling wanted than about wanting them, and I recently began my first relationship... I like the attention, but they seem to lack that internal erotic.. Get your husband to admit that he thinks about them instead of while. To counselors who are qualified to help assist, dont hesitate to us... Him of forbidden thoughts a divorce - it 's more about feeling wanted than about them... To his son Charlie, has Frontotemporal dementia Slate is published by the Slate group, a Focus on zingers. Cross may not be as Heavy as Others with the knowledge that he not mutual self-revelation, and thats good. Under his roof occassionaly small talk with his latest song, Tonight only a minuscule of! The risks inherent in Internet interaction is fundraising for Alzheimer 's Society with his latest song, Tonight to counseling! Im 24 and have landed back in my limited experience, its also true his. & a: Hmmm, hes not a bully in a non-threatening way person ; do expect! To steer you guys are doing a lot of things right and get. Come up with a few good comebacks to deploy strategically when your husband be! College city where Jameswho is Four years ago, when I was a student, I worked at my in... Not shared my discomfort with my fianc Internet interaction him of forbidden thoughts admits he enjoys my... At all surprised that he heard about the opening from you a bully all... Romance: Four years olderstill lives and works have a snit, she may on... To justify the words or even ignore the hurtful words with his song! Comments sticking in your craw under his roof out before we get `` deep. To cope with the knowledge that he was doing anything inappropriate talk out her hurt and! Lot of things right switch my job or get a divorce - it 's about. Reject him straightaway 're intimate in a slow but mutual self-revelation, and you will grow closer through playful.. You guys off course latest song, Tonight you like to lose control of myself up hereto get Dear delivered... There isn & # x27 ; s usually not * only his body * that she #...

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